On This Day in History – January 29th, 1951

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As I sit here today looking at the date, I’ve always been one to dread it – celebrating something for someone that is no longer living has always hurt my heart.

That was then.

Things are different now.

For the last 16 years, I have been a motherless daughter. Elizabeth (“Betsy” as everyone called her) was my beautiful mother for 18 years of my life. I’ve never told too many people about her or what she meant to me.

I didn’t figure people would care.

I’m not the only person without a mom.

Everyone has their own way of dealing with the death of a loved one, have a different way of celebrating anniversaries, birthdays, death dates etc. My approach has always been to know about it in my heart, acknowledge it in my own way and move on with my day. Dwelling on it or thinking about it too much just makes me incredibly sad. I’ve had enough sad in my life.

Today my mom would have been 61 years old.

Why am I talking about it now rather than on her 60th? Why not. Age has no limits. Even in death.

My relationship with my mom has always been something that I’ve fiercely guarded, telling only the most trusting of people about her, to be able to keep something for myself. To say that it has put a crimp on my communication with others would be an understatement. I need to share. I need to let things start to flow from the bottle of emotions that I’m ever so good at hiding.

I once had someone ask me, “Why do you celebrate birthdays and anniversary death dates? It seems a little morbid”. My reply (if I remember correctly) was: it’s just what we do in my family. It’s what people do when they lose someone they care about. They try to remember anything and everything about them. They are trying to hold on to their memory by celebrating them after death. Not knowing if other families did this or not, but we did. My mom was born and raised Catholic. That might explain some things I’m sure. She went to Catholic schools and raised her children Catholic as well. Maybe it’s a religion thing. Who knows.

I celebrated every birthday with my mom. Every holiday. Kind of hard not to do when I was only 18 when I lost her. She would make things so special, especially for birthdays – Baking cakes, throwing parties for us with other kids from the neighborhood. She never made a big deal about her own birthday, I don’t know if she would have wanted others to make a big deal out of it for her. That’s just how she was. She never communicated all that much unless she was angry about something and even then, she would bottle it up, let it fester, and then blow her lid. Gee, I wonder where I get that behavior?

For some reason I remember a lot of other celebrations with my mom, not necessarily her birthday. Now that I think about it, I don’t know if I was there for her last one or not. I knew my mom was sick again when I came home for Christmas break that year, but we were dealing with the loss of my grandpa early January that came as a shock to many of us, even at 84 years old.

Why is this birthday different for me you might ask? I know I have been. A very close friend that I’ve known for a very long time said to me last year on her birthday, “I just don’t understand why you don’t celebrate her birthday like you normally would if she were here?”

I didn’t know either. It made me sad to think I had been treating it as a sad day all this time. It’s different this time around because very soon now, I will be a mom. I will get to figure out all the ways to celebrate my child’s birthday and make it special just as she did for her kids. My mom was the one that taught us how to celebrate our birthdays. I still get sad on mine because she isn’t here to celebrate it with me but I know in my heart that she did everything she could to make it special. She spoiled me. Even as an adult I still want to be spoiled like that. Now, I get my chance to spoil someone else. And I can’t wait.

So Happy Birthday Mom! Thank you for teaching me the meaning of celebrating a birthday. To appreciate why that person is/was a part of our lives, to celebrate their life and what it means to us.

Cheers mom – raising a glass of milk to you tonight.

Things I Have Learned in 2011

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I don’t know why I’m putting this out there but here it is anyway. Good, bad, ugly and in no particular order.

* Sometimes it hurts to say yes to something knowing you are missing out on something epic all for a paycheck

* No matter how badly you want to play in traffic, it’s generally not a good idea

* It can take a small bit of time to earn trust from someone, less than 15 minutes to shatter it, and a lifetime of trying to earn it back

* Some things generally are none of your business and it’s best to let it go

* You can’t fix everything.  At times you have to learn to let others fall flat on their faces to learn what they did wrong

* Getting your hopes up with the smaller things in life only results in being disappointed later

* How seeing something and someone for the first time can be the most overwhelming, happy time of your life

* It’s not all about you

* There are times when you don’t have to be sorry for every little thing you may or may not do wrong

* People in your life can be ungrateful despite your best intentions

* People in your life can be supportive, trustworthy, nurturing, and genuine if you let them

* Suck it up. Some things are better left unsaid no matter how passive aggressive they might seem

* It’s ok to be angry, scared, overwhelmed, frustrated and snarky

* It’s also ok to want to punch someone, then hug them

* The more people hurt your feelings & the older you get, the more guarded and self-aware you become

* No matter how much you might be lied to, it doesn’t make it any easier to pretend it doesn’t sting

* Animals have an uncanny sense of knowing when something is wrong emotionally and you should always take them up on cuddle time if they sense you need it

* Affection, any at all, is a good thing & should never be taken for granted no matter how much more you want it in your life

* Other people have feelings too. Sometimes it best to put yourself in their shoes

* If you want to tell someone something, you should. Don’t keep wonderful or other feelings to yourself. It will just make you miserable

* People will continue to take from you until you cut them off

* It is amazing what the human body is capable of

* Sometimes all people need is a little hope and positiveness to make them feel human again

Connecting People, One Tweet at a Time

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I love using social media especially Twitter. I have somehow magically become connected to some amazing people, most of whom I’ve never met. People have reached out to other people in times of need, regardless of how big or small, quipped about their days, their relationships, their sympathies, put out good thoughts, and aired grievances.

That said, I was stuck by the true power of Twitter last week as I listened to Gary Vaynerchuk give a speech at Powell’s in regards to his book: The Thank You Economy. It was all about making connections, engaging people and in a way, paying it forward. After all, isn’t that what social media is all about? To each their own I suppose.

I realized that I wasn’t taking full advantage of what I could be doing with a tool like Twitter – he inspired me to pay a little more attention to what others were saying, what they may or may not be asking for, to broaden my own personal reach. So, I did just that. I payed attention. And not just to people that I would normally tweet to, but engage a little more to the ones that I don’t. I came across a tweet from someone that I have been following for a while – well over a year I suppose. I’ve interacted with her here and there, but never really ‘engaged’ her.

She put out a tweet on Thursday asking for alternatives to a couple of gift giving ideas for a friends birthday party. The word gift card was a part of the 140 characters. I thought to myself, no no no… I have a much better idea. I have a good friend that does an amazing job with her business Mountain Girl Silver. She has unique products that are made just for you. I suggested this to the tweep in question and within about 5 minutes I got a tweet back full of exclamation marks and thanks. Turns out, she ordered quite a few things from my other friends site, passed the info along to three other people in her office who were going to be in the process of ordering from her as well.

I finally got to meet my twitter friend yesterday, she’s good people. I loved that I was able to help her with a gift idea and help another friends business in the process. I loved that the mere power of suggestion will make a few people happy. Who and what are YOU going to be paying attention to today?

I’m Gunning For You Little Man in the Traffic Light

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There’s this traffic light that has been my nemesis for a long time. It’s right by the Keller Auditorium here in Portland on 2nd and Market. The street I’m already on is a one way street. There’s no traffic going to my right as there are buildings there – this street only goes one way. There are two cross walks as well – one to each corner of the street.

Ok, now that the set up is done, I’m gonna bitch.

I totally get that there’s a need for a light there… some of the time. When a show at the Keller lets out there’s a boat load of people that will need to safely need to cross the street and not have to fight with the cars coming out of the parking garage. I have used these crosswalks on many occasions and I have to say, they come in handy… some of the time. For all of the times I have crossed that light, I think I have hit it green maybe 5 times.

I think (and I am totally being serious here) there’s a little evil little man sitting inside the light just waiting to fuck with me. Just me. No one else, just me. It can be at 3:00 in the afternoon or 10:30 at night. The more I think I can gun it, the quicker it changes yellow. And then we sit. For no good reason, we sit. There are no people crossing the street, no other cars coming because I’m already on a ONE WAY to a ONE WAY. And I sit. Will you just change already!? There’s no one coming you stupid light!! I could run you, but I’m an honest person!

Every time it does turn green, I gun it and then I flip the light off. For no reason other than it makes me feel better. Fuck you little man sitting inside the light. I hate you.

To My Ninja Loving Friends

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I have a confession to make that I’m sure some of you might understand and possibly even still do… I read the comics. From the newspaper… well, the online newspaper. I only have about 5 of them that I read all the time. The rest, meh, don’t care about.

The one I came across the other day made me laugh because it made me think of quite a few friends of mine that wish they were ninjas or fancy themselves as such. I don’t blame you – ninjas are cool.

Your Smack Down Round – QM vs QM

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There comes a time in every Quiz Masters life when they just need to smack each other, participate in said smack down round that we give our trivia players every week. That being said, Quiz Master Polly and I had the opportunity to do just that.

We went to a personal training studio in NW Portland called Get Fit Training. Our friend Eleni is the owner and personal trainer of the studio. She has a fairly new program called Hit to Fit – a circuit workout that lasts for 30 minutes (or however long you want it to last really) and we totally got our asses kicked. We jumped rope, we played with balls, we flipped tires (big tractor sized ones too), we pretended to be strippers using the TRX system, and then we got to the punching bags. There were two big ones and a little dinky one that I felt retarded using. We gloved up and had a little fun in front of the camera.

In case you are wondering, no one won ;) Come on, you’ve got Polly who’s 6 foot and me who’s 5’2″. We have our strengths.

Thanks to Eleni for having us in and showing us that working out can really be fun!

Three Dollars!?

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For those of you that know me will hopefully get a kick out of this just as I did… Three dollars!?

 

Baby_blues

Backstage Randomness

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Here are just a few photos from my time backstage behind the set of the Radio City Rockettes.

I Don’t Think I Qualify

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So the Radio City Christmas Spectacular was here this past weekend and as many of you know, I had the opportunity to be on the wardrobe crew. I always thought the Rockettes were awesome. I always admired the eye high line kicks with all of those classic looking girls…like they were always stuck in one of my favorite time periods, the 30′s. 

The requirements to be a Rockette are exactly as they were in 1933. Radio City Rockettes must be at least 18 years old and must be between 5′ 6″ – 5′ 10″ and demonstrate a proficiency in ballet, tap and jazz. 

Clearly, I wasn’t destined to be one of them…..

Sabmilandtherockettes

In One Week, This Will Be Me Again

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Imag0127

In one week, I will proudly wear my blacks again for something I’m really excited to be working on. It will involve some lightening fast changes, girls with long legs, and an energy I’m sure that will be indescribable. I remember seeing this particular group when I was a little girl and thinking, WOW!

I remember being in awe. And now, I will be another part of something that I think is truly great.

 

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